Tuesday, March 18, 2008

she's up, she's down, she's hanging in there

I am almost three years cancer-free now, and I had gotten used to good news.  Yesterday, I had to face unpleasant news again.  I'm going to have a bone biopsy in a couple weeks.  I think . . . I think I'll stop having "worst fears", because I'm really tired of their coming true.   Cancer was a big one.  And somewhere alongside of that was a deathly fear of the bone being involved.  I blame this fear on an episode of Highway to Heaven I saw once.  But then, that is also the episode in which I learned the song Boom-Chicka-Boom, so it wasn't all bad.  

Of course, this isn't necessarily cancer.   In fact, it's really likely, that it's not.  But facing the fact that it might be has sort of cleared away the monotony fog that was covering the blue skies feeling that I've had ever since getting free of cancer the first time.  For me, there has been nothing like that happiness.  Permeating everything was the thrill that at least I was there to see it - whatever it was.  This feeling hadn't faded much.  Hardly at all, I had thought.  

When I got the call about the bone biopsy, I cried.  And my heart dropped directly into my stomach, which is a total cliche, but it became a cliche because it fits the feeling SO WELL.  And I felt scared and horrified.  

But since the bad news, in between the moments of despair, I feel intensely, deeply happy.  It's like - I remember this feeling.  The feeling that every single moment of every single day is an amazing gift.  Plus, all the lessons I learned the first time?  They won't leave me alone.  It's like my children are screaming them as they run through the house blissfully unaware that cancer is anything to fear.  The loudest one is this:  No matter what they tell me that day about the biopsy, that news can't have today.  No matter how difficult the recovery is, it doesn't have today either.  Cancer doesn't have today.   Whatever trouble is ahead, it doesn't have today, unless I let it.  

Of course, I may need reminded of this later.  In the meantime - there's always today.

7 comments:

Felicity said...

Well, that is about the best thing I've heard in a long time! (Especially considering the source - Take that little black rain clouds!)

Kinda sounds like something Jesus said, "Everyday has enough trouble of its own..."

Love you, Huckleberry.

Tracy said...

Wow... what beautiful insight into life. I can't wait to read the book.

Roger & Andrea said...

The first part of PS 31:15 says: "My times are in your hands". The entire PS is excellent-and the last verse isn't bad either: Be Stong and let your heart take courage all you who hope in the Lord." And we do! Your in our prayers.
Andrea

Matt Bowman said...

"No matter what they tell me that day about the biopsy, that news can't have today. No matter how difficult the recovery is, it doesn't have today either. Cancer doesn't have today. Whatever trouble is ahead, it doesn't have today, unless I let it."

Beautiful. I'm trying with you to remember that, not only can I not control my life, it cannot control me. This moment is yours--live it!

Tracy said...

Serenity-Your blog really inspired me today and I actually wrote about you on my blog. After posting it, I thought I should probably see if you mind that I wrote about you. You can e-mail me at tracyasb4@aol.com if you would rather I NOT post it and I'll take it right off!

Anonymous said...

The end of Ps. 91 says "With a long life I will satisfy him (her), and show him (her) My salvation."

When I read your blog today, I though "It appears HE is definitely showing you what it means to have His salvation -- that every day is taken care of -- and that He's got you covered in every area -- emotionally, physically, spiritually -- every way!! Therefore, since He's showing you His salvation, then the prior part of the verse is true as well . . . with a LONG LIFE, He will satisfy you!!!

Love you!
Cheri

SolShine7 said...

What inner strength you have! This quote is truly beautiful:

"Cancer doesn't have today. Whatever trouble is ahead, it doesn't have today, unless I let it."

I hope you that you will share your thoughts and wisdom with people on the Crazy Sexy Cancer network. I think they could really benefit from your story and words.
Here's the link to the page:

http://crazysexylife.ning.com